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[can you forgive youself for the things you've done?]
MEMY99 - in-your-heart-of-hearts-did-she-truly-mean-anything-to-you
...that's the last one.
huh
that was
a lot more than i thought there would be
dude this is kim, are you really surprised?
true
Im glad you were able to record all of this
This gives me a lot more information to work with
Oh?
I didn't realize you were also taking notes, Theo. I'm intrigued to hear your thoughts.
Ah i dont have anything too crazy to add especially given the info nuke you just dropped
I generally tried to keep my own theories somewhat grounded in reality
Or about as grounded as you can get when it comes to the jouse
But my obsessive nature comes out a bit when i let myself linger on an unsolved topic for too long
yeah
trust me
you really dont want to get him started on this
green boy over here will make you sit down and listen for like
at least three and a half hours
trust me
i uh
know from experience
all this talk about the jouse itself is cool and all, but a less boring question has been eating away at me recently... why did you all come here?
or, rather... who was the owner to you? why did you care so much?
i mean, surely you knew this would be dooming yourselves, right
i thought you wouldve been the most aware of that kim, given the fact you had that... whole thing happen down in that overgrown variant
...
i'd be lying if i said i was sorry here. i'll keep this in mind next time i need to get you mad haha
Ugh
Awful comment aside fiend does have a point
Obviously i knew them the least but
You two had to have known something right
Would any of you like to talk about it
[...THE SILENCE WAS DEAFENING, IF YOU COUNTED THE AMBIENT HEARTBEAT IN THE BACKGROUND AS PART OF IT]
...fine.
You and Fiend do deserve a bit of an explanation on why I went about this the way I did, after all.
To me, █████ was the one person I could truly trust with anything.
We were, and hopefully still are, best friends.
...as you know, I saw her as something more, but...
I think going through all of this made me realize that she was never right for me. It was never going to work.
The more I look back on our relationship, the more I see how... stubborn she was about everything. Like, if you think I'm hardheaded, she was twice as bad.
For starters... before she got the keys to The Jouse, she would always be applying for jobs. The amount of applications she sent out every day was embarassing, and despite almost all of them being ghosted, she refused to search for jobs in-person.
She always had this strange avoidance toward anybody she didn't consider a friend, and it only got worse after she moved into the Jouse.
Sometimes she would go days without messaging anybody. It was extremely concerning, even for her. It would often leave me wondering if she had finally cut the rest of us off.
...Cutting people off was a really bad habit of hers.
I never imagined how it would feel to be on the recieving end of it until she sent Barry and me that last message.
I just...
It's hard.
I trusted her with everything, I loved her at one point, I tried to see past all her flaws and truly believed she could get better as a person, but... as much as she said she wanted to get better, she never could.
Could you imagine how that feels?
...even after everything, I can't say that I hold anything against her.
I think I was the one person who truly "got" her... no offense, Barry.
no no i get it dont worry
I looked back on our messages the night before I came here.
So many of them were just... random things, like, talking about a new variant that surfaced up or what she ate for dinner that night or...
...it's not like she talked about herself often, it was a really weird shift in the weeks leading up to that final message.
I guess she knew from the start what she was getting into, and wanted to make sure we were on good terms before it happened, but... I don't know, there was one conversation, it was pretty bad... I hope she knows that I had already forgiven her for it, though.
...I'm probably talking too much here, ahem...
I guess the reason I'm here now is because I'm... too stubborn. I wanted to believe that I could just... make it to her in time before she did anything irreversable. Before she locked herself away.
It's a bit of a stupid reason, still continuing to believe in her like that...
You know, you actually remind me a bit of her, Fiend.
You both have the capacity to change for the better, but unlike her, you just... don't for whatever reason.
It's not just that, either... but for the sake of brevity, I won't talk your ear off about it. Not like you could ever know her now, anyway...
...okay? i dunno why you're telling me this, i dont really care
That's exactly what I mean.
...but, anyways, I'm done now.
Would you like to go, Barry...?
to me
█████ always felt more like a
potential friend
than an actual one
like
sure we had our moments together
and ultimately i did enjoy the relationship we had but
he felt really absent for a lot of it
offering a lot of empty words of assurance when i needed genuine ones
i remember one time when i was venting to him
which as you know kim is something i never do
and
all he said to me after that was
this really sucks man, know that i will always be there for you though.
which on its own isnt bad but like
im sure you remember those times i messaged you
when i would always ask if like
he actually talked to you at all
because he rarely did with me
it felt like most of the times we really got along was
when you were there to bounce off of
like he couldnt just
hang out with me one on one for whatever reason
i dont know if thats because of how i was at the time or what but
it kinda hurt yknow
like
again we had a ton of good moments and shit but
ugh
words are hard
Yeah, no, I completely get it.
In fact, I noticed that as well and have even brought it up to her once.
...if it makes you feel any better, she told me that she considered you one of her closest friends despite everything.
which
strangely
is also how i felt
but there was always that lack of
communication between us
and that one day when i snapped i think was the breaking point of our friendship
geez, you two were really shaky.
why did you come here then, if you have almost nothing good to say about it as a person?
i came here to apologize
you know this
but
i guess i also came here because i wanted to feel something between us again
its
really selfish
i know
and i definitely didnt know it would end like this but
i dont think either of us could truly hold something against each other for very long
or at least i know i cant
so i
used theo as a reason to gather the courage to come out here
i dunno i think i have the least amount of reasons to be here
especially compared to you kim
its just
too personal to me though
i couldnt let it go like that
No, I see where you're coming from.
Just because you don't have a "quantity" of reasons to be here doesn't mean that the few you have aren't good enough on their own. If you believed that you truly had a purpose for coming here, who are we to judge that?
well-
No, shut the hell up.
I had no idea you knew this much honestly
You were always really reserved when i questioned you about them
But speaking of being reserved when i question
Fiend
I think you owe everyone an explanation as to how you got here
ugh, can't i have this?
No
No.
no
you guys are the worst.
♪ — i-had-lived-more-in-my-dreams-than-in-reality
original: BECOME TRUE!! (i will) - dreamcorp. & Saccharine
PART III - FIEND: INTO DREAMS
i didn't know it personally, as you know by now... i can come to some conclusions though
for a... long while, leading up to me setting out for the jouse, ive been having recurring dreams of what i think was the moments leading up to the owner's first room being created.
my dreams of it were always from its perspective, and i think i could understand its thoughts at the time
it was a scattered mess, i'll tell you that much, but through it all there was an overwhelming sense of guilt in the back of its mind; like it didnt really want to do this but was going through with it anyway
i couldnt tell you why, it could be morbid curiosity or something personal stemming from what you two have described
I still dont know how you could have been having those dreams to begin with
Like could it maybe have been the jouse itself trying to draw you in or
as much as i... don't like the jouse, i dont think it would have been luring me into anything given how it works at its core... and even still, how could it reach me from where i was back then?
Youre right
Thats a puzzle
i don't think this is something that could be logically explained. it happened, and that's where i want to leave it. i dont really want to get into the potential deep inner meanings of it all because that would likely be too much to wrap any of our heads around
That's a good point...
But, even with the dreams, why did you decide to come here? How did you know that The Jouse would be... here?
after a while of having those dreams, i guess i got a bit... obsessed with the concept of this thing.
at first, i tried to write it off as some plain weird dream as any regular person would do, but then i found the forum
i lurked there for a while, never made an account so i never interacted with any threads or chats happening
the owner left in a weird oversight where people without an account could view locked chats that didn't have an admin in them, strangely enough... i don't know how that could have gotten past it
Haha wow that is really bad security im glad barry and i never discussed anything sensitive off the site right
theo
you uh
sent me your address
Oh
...well, as peculiar as that is, I don't think that really explains why you're here, unless you're implying it was morbid curiosity or something like that.
...and we both know that isn't the case for you, Fiend, so why don't you share with us for once?
no.
Dude, you can't keep doing this.
I don't want to pressure you, obviously, but there's really no reason not to confide in us at this point.
no.
Dude
Ugh... you are such a nightmare to deal with at times.
Whatever. did you want to go next, Theo?
Oh uh
Sure but i dont think my perspective is going to be very insightful
PART IV - I NEVER KNEW THEM WELL, BUT DID ANYBODY REALLY?
We never talked much aside from the occasional catch up though it was definitely more than when you first introduced me to them barry
They knew i was interested in the jouse so they sent me pictures of some variants
I remember telling them one time how much i liked theorizing about certain things and they laughed about it before saying some witty comment to tease me
I mean in the end even if we never talked much they were a pretty nice person albeit a bit distant like barry and kim have described
I guess i could say my motivation for coming here would have been to gather information for my board of abnormalities pertaining to the jouse but i would be lying if i said i didnt have at least some amount of concern for the owner
...huh.
In the end there isnt very much for me to say about all of this given im surprisingly less knowledgable about all of this than fiend
so
i guess thats all of us then
he really screwed all of us over here didnt he
but even still i dont think any of us hold it against him
nor can we be mad at him
that's a broad assumption, i can in fact do both of those things!
shut up fiend you dont count here
No, no, it does have a point...
I can definitely be at least a little bothered about this, given the events leading up to her final message.
...What I'm getting at, I guess, is that we all have our own reasons to want to hold her accountable... but we also have our own, more personal reasons to want to let it go.
It's complicated. All of this is complicated.
Maybe the important thing to ask ourselves at this point would be whether or not we could forgive her.
So... do we?
♪ — do-you-think-your-actions-were-just-(or-did-you-make-yourself-believe-they-would-not-affect-anybody-else)
original: Solar Tower (Night) - wasteofblood
PART V - IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS, DID YOUR FRIENDS TRULY MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY ARE NOW?
i don't know.
for all i know they could be lost somewhere; or worse, stuck in one of my rooms.
...the garden might not be too bad of an area to be trapped in, now that i think about it.
...what, why are you looking at me like that?
if you have something to say, just say it.
WELL...
IF THEY ARE TRAPPED SOMEWHERE, WHICH SEEMS TO BE THE MOST LIKELY CASE, WOULDN'T YOU FEEL ANY GUILT FOR THIS?
THEY CAME ALL THIS WAY TO FIND YOU, BUT YOU'RE IN HERE... THEY DON'T KNOW THIS.
THE PEOPLE YOU CONSIDER YOUR FRIENDS ARE STUCK SOMEWHERE FOREVER.
DON'T YOU FEEL ANYTHING, KNOWING THAT YOU CAUSED THIS?
...would you?
YES, █████, I WOULD.
WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?
DO YOU NOT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THE LIVES THESE PEOPLE ONCE HAD?
DID YOU MEAN TO DO THIS, TO GET THEM WRAPPED UP IN THIS WHOLE MESS?
ARE YOU REALLY THIS SELFISH, █████?
no, no no no no, that's not at all what i meant. you're getting a bit too worked up here, just let me explain myself.
...EXPLAIN WHAT? EXPLAIN THAT YOU WERE TOO CAUGHT UP IN NAVIGATING YOUR WAY TO A DEAD END TO CONSIDER THE REPRECUSSIONS OF YOUR ACTIONS ON ANYBODY WHO MAY ENTER DURING THAT TIME?
PLEASE, █████, EXPLAIN YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS THERE.
EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA TO LEAVE EVERYTHING WIDE OPEN INSTEAD OF CLEANING UP AFTER YOURSELF.
jouse...
EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU DISTANCED YOURSELF FROM EVERYONE YOU KNEW AS YOU CONTINUED TO LIVE HERE.
jouse.
EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU ARE JUST SO... BLATANTLY IGNORANT ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON AROUND YOU, LIKE YOU'RE DEAD SET ON LOSING YOURSELF JUST FOR-
jouse!
just... look at it from my perspective, okay? try that out for a bit, alright?
you're looking at this wrong; you're looking at it from the outside in, rather than from the inside out.
tell me, jouse, what you think i meant when i did any of this.
WHAT YOU MEANT.
HONESTLY, █████? YOU'VE CHANGED. YOU'VE CHANGED SO MUCH SINCE YOU FIRST STARTED LIVING IN THE JOUSE, AND EVEN MORESO WHEN MAKING YOUR OWN ROOMS WITH YOUR KEY.
YOU'VE CHANGED TO THE POINT WHERE I DON'T THINK I COULD BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU "MEANT" BY ANY OF THIS.
I'VE... HEARD RECOUNTS OF WHAT SOME OF THE ROOMS CONTAINED THROUGH THE INTERLOPERS TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL ON THEIR OWN AFTER EACH ONE.
I HEARD THAT YOU GOT RID OF THE ABANDONED VARIANT ON YOUR OWN OUT OF FEAR, WHICH I UNDERSTAND... BUT WHY DID YOU GET RID OF THE VARIANT I MADE FOR YOU...?
I THINK YOU ARE CORRECT IN BELIEVING THAT YOUR ROOMS ARE AN EXTENSION OF YOURSELF, IN A WAY. AS I'M SURE YOU'VE PICKED UP BY NOW, THE VARIANTS I HAVE MADE ALL HAVE A LITTLE PIECE OF ME LEFT IN THEM, METAPHORICALLY OF COURSE.
...AND FROM THE DESCRIPTIONS I'VE HEARD, THEY JUST SEEM TO GET LESS AND LESS COHERENT AS YOU WENT ON.
I HATE TO BRING IT UP AGAIN, BUT DID YOU REALLY NOT BOTHER TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF? I HEARD YOU LEFT ONE OF YOUR ROOMS RIGHT NEAR THE ENTRANCE TO THE JOUSE. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW IRRESPONSIBLE THAT IS, LET ALONE IF IT WAS ONE OF THOSE "POINTS OF NO RETURN;" SOMEONE COULD WANDER INTO IT COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT.
...i think context is important.
WHAT MORE CONTEXT COULD I NEED TO UNDERSTAND HOW MESSED UP ALL OF THIS IS?
the doors were locked behind my key, or a copy of it.
THAT DOESN'T HELP.
YOU ASKED ME TO MAKE COPIES OF YOUR KEY, AND I PUT THEM SOMEWHERE THEY WOULD BE SAFE. EVEN STILL, THAT DOES NOT ELIMINATE THE POSSIBILITY OF SOME RANDOM PERSON COMING IN, FINDING IT, AND SUBSEQUENTLY TRAPPING THEMSELVES JUST BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T PUT AN EXIT DOWN.
i left warning messages.
NOT EVERYONE WILL READ, █████. IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
WHEN YOU BROUGHT YOUR FRIEND OVER TO SHOW OFF THE OVERGROWN VARIANT, DO YOU THINK THEY WERE PAYING ATTENTION TO EVERY FLOOR NAME?
...
YOU KEEP TRYING TO DEFLECT THE BLAME FROM YOURSELF USING ALL OF THESE EXCUSES, DID YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS?
...OR WERE YOU THAT DESPERATE TO LOSE YOURSELF, THAT YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO ELSE MIGHT'VE BEEN PUT IN HARM'S WAY AFTER A POINT?
TELL ME, █████. TELL ME YOUR PERSPECTIVE. WHAT WAS █████ THINKING WHEN █████ DID ALL OF THIS?
WHAT WAS █████ THINKING WHEN ABANDONING HIS LIFE ALL FOR A STUPID HOUSE?
in retrospect, i couldn't tell you exactly why i did it.
i guess i was so obsessed with the concept of the jouse, and the rush of potential from getting my own key just... put me over the edge.
BUT WHY? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO DO ALL OF THIS?
why did you?
...
I MADE SURE TO CLEAN UP. I MADE SURE THAT THE OTHER PERSON I CARED FOR WOULDN'T GET WRAPPED UP IN MY OWN MESS. I MADE SURE THAT MY PATH HERE WAS SMOOTH AND CARRIED AS LITTLE RISK AS POSSIBLE.
you're too concerned with details. not to say that's a problem, but... we're different in that way.
i guess around the beginning, i didn't have the foresight that this would be so destructive to both me and other people. after a certain point though, i guess i just stopped caring about the risk in an attempt to keep myself focused purely on my goal. at the very least, however, i made sure my one-ways would "expire" after a while, so nobody could become truly trapped.
DIDN'T CARE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
AND HAVING YOUR ONE-WAYS EXPIRE? THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING IF PEOPLE ARE STILL STUCK THERE. YOU'VE STILL RUINED VALUABLE LIVES OUT OF YOUR OWN SELFISHNESS.
...anything i say here could make me seem worse. do you think i don't know how much i fucked up as well? like, yeah obviously i regret leaving things wide open but there's not much we can do about that now is there?
DO YOU REGRET WHAT YOU DID?
yes, jouse, i do regret everything i did!
there's so, so many better ways i could have gone about this! i could have mended my relationship with barry, i could've done something to not leave kim hanging! i could have done everything completely different if i weren't so god damn fixated on this... this idea of needing to lose myself!
but there's nothing we can do now, is there? everything we're talking about has already happened! we can't fix the past!
is this what you wanted, jouse? did you want me to undergo ego death after the fact? did you want me to start hating myself for the person i was? there's nothing here! there is nothing for us! this is it! we can't do anything to improve everything, we're at a standstill with the rest of the world!
DO YOU THINK-
do i think they would forgive me? who knows!
i've just been... so awful for most of my life, i have tried so hard to get better but i just... keep falling into old habits.
if i were in their shoes, i absolutely would not forgive myself for any of this. would you forgive me, jouse?
I... I DON'T KNOW, HONESTLY.
YOU SEEM TO HAVE SUCH A MISALIGNED MORAL COMPASS THAT IT MAKES IT HARD TO EXCUSE THE THINGS YOU DID FOR HOPES OF BECOMING A BETTER PERSON DOWN THE LINE, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CAN'T SEEM TO IMPROVE YOURSELF.
...BUT EVEN STILL, I BELIEVE IN THE GOOD OF PEOPLE. YOU COULD SAY THAT TO A FAULT.
IT WOULD NOT BE EASY TO, BUT I THINK AFTER ENOUGH TIME I COULD FORGIVE YOU.
THAT... DOESN'T MEAN I WOULD, THOUGH. "COULD BE" DOES NOT EQUAL "WILL BE." BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I WOULDN'T EITHER.
i... see.
i just wish this could have played out with less of a bitter ending.
...ME TOO.
am i a bad person, right now?
NONE OF US WERE EXACTLY GOOD PEOPLE HERE.
I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO RECOGNIZE WHETHER OR NOT THE COURSE OF TIME AND THE PEOPLE YOU KNEW HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO YOU.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE A BAD PERSON, █████? DESPITE ALL OF THIS?
DO YOU THINK ALL OF THIS REFLECTION WAS FOR NAUGHT? OR ARE YOU SO STUCK IN YOUR SELF-DEPRICATING WAYS THAT YOU TRULY BELIEVE YOU COULD NOT REACH YOUR OWN STANDARDS OF WHAT A "GOOD PERSON" COULD BE?